Stages I

Age seven –

Dandelion picking, round glasses adorned

Toad catching girl

My aquarius moon at its most unsinkable

Blamelessly palatable

A better painter than a liar

Today I will try again to be kind to you.

Let the sun dress your skin but not burn your eyes

Brush your tangled hair and hum under my breath,

I love you i love you i love you.

Everyday I remove further from you beyond my consent

A dream robbed by day break

I replay your voice in my head until words are only words

Sunscreen just smells like sunscreen now

And my hands have grown into my mother’s; no longer yours.

With them I reach for you fruitlessly

Empty of avail, nothing worth an exchange

But you saw worth in even the small things.

How egregious it is to not recognize you in myself anymore

When I know you are there

A silent observer in the window seat of the mind’s eye

But somewhere between the shallow-end and learning to lie

I lost you

Like dropping a mother’s grasp in the grocery store

Never to pick it up again

The last time I left the house without mascara

Fabricating bravery without the experience to navigate

I pretended you weren’t there until you were long gone from my view

An innocence we surrender to weather alone

To grow older is a deceitful trade

Gaining wisdom just to give myself away